The Words We Choose: How Language Shapes Our Reality

"The words that we use create the world that we see and experience."

Let me ask you something. Have you ever noticed how after buying a new car, you suddenly see that exact make and model everywhere? It's like the universe conspired to fill the roads with your vehicle overnight. Or maybe you've searched frantically for your keys, telling yourself "they're not here," only to have someone else walk over and spot them right in front of you.

This is your brain's filtering system at work, and it's being directed by something more powerful than you might realize: the words you use.

I've been training people for years, and I've learned something that changed everything about how I approach coaching. The biggest obstacle standing between someone and their goals isn't their lack of willpower, their genetics, or even their circumstances. It's the way they talk to themselves.

The words we choose don't just describe our reality.....they create it.

Your Brain's Personal Assistant

Inside your brainstem, there's a bundle of nerves called the Reticular Activating System, or RAS for short. Think of it as your brain's personal assistant, working 24/7 to filter out the noise and bring the important stuff to your attention.

Here's the thing about your RAS: it's completely impartial. It doesn't judge whether something is good or bad for you. It just takes whatever you've marked as "important" through your thoughts and language, then goes hunting for evidence to support it.

When you tell yourself "I can't do this," your RAS gets to work. It starts collecting every piece of evidence that supports that belief. Every small setback becomes proof. Every challenge becomes confirmation. Your brain literally starts editing out possibilities and solutions because they don't fit the story you've given it.

But here's what's incredible, you can hack this system. You can retrain your personal assistant by changing the words you use.

The Two Languages

People speak in one of two ways: Conflict Language and Architect Language.

Conflict Language is like having a dramatic friend who turns every minor inconvenience into a crisis. It escalates, dramatizes, and keeps you focused on everything that's wrong. It's the voice that says "I always mess up," "I can't handle this," or "This is impossible."

Architect Language, on the other hand, is like having a wise mentor who helps you see possibilities and solutions. It creates clarity, builds confidence, and keeps you focused on what you can create rather than what you want to avoid.

The crazy part? Most people don't even realize which language they're speaking. But your brain is listening to every word, and it's shaping your reality accordingly.

The Four Patterns

Let me introduce you to the four main patterns of Conflict Language that I see derailing people every day:

Soft Talk is when we water down our commitments with wishy-washy words. Instead of saying "I will work out tomorrow," we say "I'll try to maybe get to the gym." Or my personal soft talk "I'll try to go on a run this week" ( I hate running). Your brain hears uncertainty and responds accordingly.

Negations keep us focused on what we don't want. "I don't want to be out of shape" tells your brain to pay attention to being out of shape. It's like trying not to think of a pink elephant, the more you focus on the "not," the more you think about the thing itself.

Projections hand over all your power to someone or something else. "I'm too busy with work and kids" or "The gym is too intimidating" puts you in the passenger seat of your own life.

Binary Language turns everything into an all-or-nothing disaster. "I never stick to

anything" or "I always quit" creates stories that are almost never accurate but feel completely true.

Each of these patterns has a more empowering way to express the same thought:

• Solid Talk replaces maybe with certainty: "I will work out tomorrow."

• Affirmations focus on what you want: "I want to feel strong and healthy."

• Reflections put you back in control: "I intimidate myself when I compare my beginning to someone else's middle."

• Spectrum Language adds nuance: "I sometimes struggle with consistency, and I'm learning to improve."

  
  

The Amygdala Hijack

Here's something that might blow your mind: when you were born, the emotional part of your brain (the amygdala) was fully developed. But the rational, problem-solving part (prefrontal cortex) didn't finish developing until you were about 25.

This means we're literally wired to react emotionally before we think logically. Ten thousand years ago, this kept us alive when we heard rustling in the bushes. Better to assume it's a saber-tooth tiger and be wrong than assume it's the wind and become lunch.

But in today's world, that same system gets triggered by our own thoughts and words. When you tell yourself "I'm failing" or "I can't do this," your brain doesn't distinguish between a real physical threat and a threat to your self-image. It dumps stress hormones into your system and puts you in fight-or-flight mode.

Ever wonder why it's so hard to think clearly when you're beating yourself up? That's why. Your survival system has taken over, and rational thought has gone offline.

The good news is that you can calm this system down with the right words and, believe it or not, the right breathing.

When you slow down your speech and breathe deeply, you're literally telling your nervous system that you're safe.

Practical Tools for Change

Knowing this stuff is interesting, but it doesn't help unless you can actually use it. So let me give you some tools that work.

The Soft Talk Challenge: Write down these words on a piece of paper and put it somewhere you'll see it every day: PROBABLY, PERHAPS, FEELS LIKE, GUESS, MAYBE, COULD, MIGHT, SORT OF, KIND OF, TRY, ONE DAY, SHOULD, ALMOST LIKE.

For one week, every time you catch yourself using one of these words, just eliminate it from the sentence. Instead of "I'll probably try to eat better," say "I'll eat better." Notice how different that feels.

The Should Detox: Take any sentence that starts with "I should" and walk it through these steps:

1. "I should work out more."

2. Change to "could": "I could work out more."

3. Change to "can": "I can work out more."

4. Add "because": "I can work out more because I feel amazing when I do."

   
   

That last step is crucial. Research shows that adding "because" plus any reason increases compliance by 33% (Study Here). Your brain just likes having reasons.

Translation Practice: When you catch yourself using Conflict Language, practice translating it:

• "I can't stick to anything" becomes "I can learn to be more consistent."

• "This diet never works" becomes "I haven't found the right approach yet."

• "My schedule makes it impossible" becomes "I make it difficult with my current schedule, and I can change that."

  
  

The Story Work Process

Here's something I learned that changed everything: the stories we tell ourselves have enormous power, but most of them are stuck in our heads where they feel infinite and overwhelming.

When a story is bouncing around in your mind, it has no beginning or end. It just keeps recycling, getting bigger and more dramatic each time. But when you write it down, something magical happens. It becomes finite. It has a first word and a last word. You can see it clearly instead of drowning in it.

If you have a story that's been holding you back, maybe it's about a time you failed, or someone who hurt you, or a pattern you can't seem to break, try this four-step process:

1. Write it out: Give it a title and write it like you're telling someone else the story. Include what was said, what you thought, what you felt, and what you decided it meant about you.

2. Read it aloud: At normal speed. Notice what comes up emotionally and rate it on a scale of 1-10.

3. Read it slower: Same story, but at 70% of your normal speaking speed. When you slow down, you breathe better, and better breathing calms your nervous system.

4. Read it with breath: Same slow speed, but take a breath at every period, most commas, and some of the "ands." Rate your emotional response again.

   
   

This process takes a story from overwhelming to manageable. It gives you space to see it differently, and space creates options.

The Daily Practice

Look, I'm not asking you to become a meditation guru or spend hours analyzing every word you say. But I am asking you to start paying attention.

Your words are creating your world whether you're conscious of it or not. The question is: what kind of world are they creating?

Start small. Pick one pattern—maybe it's eliminating "I can't" from your vocabulary, or catching yourself when you use "always" and "never." Notice how your brain responds when you make these small shifts.

Remember, you're not just changing words. You're reprogramming the most sophisticated computer in the known universe.....your brain. And like any computer, it will run whatever program you give it.

The words you choose today become the thoughts you think tomorrow. Those thoughts become the actions you take. Those actions become the results you get. And those results become the story you tell about who you are.

You get to choose what that story says. You get to choose it right now, with the very next words that come out of your mouth.

What story do you want to tell?